Filling the Void of My Mother

Preg-2

I don’t celebrate Mother’s (or Father’s) Day. I don’t have relationships with my parents. Every year around this time the thoughts of you’re a terrible daughter or you should be ashamed of yourself come creeping back in and for some reason I always believe them. I haven’t talked to my father in almost seven years and nearly a year ago I decided to cut my mom out of my life. Mother’s Day always feels harder than Father’s Day, probably because mothers are seen as superwomen who love their children unconditionally. But my mother, for whatever reason, couldn’t make me feel loved or even wanted. This year instead of beating myself up for not having a mother figure in my life or for cutting my mother out of my life, I want to focus more on myself by doing a few things:

  1. We often feel that just we are forever indebted to our mothers because they gave birth to us. Bethany Webster said “Yes, your mother gave you life AND you have a right to your feelings about the dynamics of the relationship.” and I love that.  My mother gave birth to me but that doesn’t mean I have to continue to pretend to have a relationship with her. I used to keep hoping and praying she could love me but I realized it was useless. I will remind myself that it is okay that I finally decided it was more important to let go of that hope and move on.
  2. I will make more of an effort to be proud of myself. As someone who grew up never once hearing “I’m proud of you” it can be very hard to actually take a second and say “You did a good job”. Even if it’s something as small as reading twenty pages in a book every day or getting out of the house, it’s all worth acknowledging.
  3. Remind myself I am not alone. There are millions of people who have a hard time with Mother’s Day for various reasons. Knowing you’re not alone makes a difference.